Whose Line Is It Anyway Transcripts- U.S. Version Episode 129

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Transcript- U.S. Version Episode 129

Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Drew: (tape cuts in during Drew's intro, missed Greg's introduction) ...Drop Dead Gorgeous, Wayne Brady! American Beauty, Colin Mochrie! And Coyote Ugly, Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey. Come on down, let's have some fun. (gets seated) Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are like... uh... they're just like the dialogue on Baywatch. Yeah. Turn the volume down, you still enjoy the show. Uh, let's get started with a game called Weird Newscasters! This is for all four of you. Greg and Colin... (the players get into position) Colin's going to be the anchorman of a local news show. Greg, you're the co-anchor. You're a German insult comic. (Colin and audience laugh) Aren't they all. Wayne, you're doing the sports. You're a Girl Scout selling cookies... (audience laughter) who's possessed by the Devil. (more laughter and cheering) Ryan's going to be playing himself. He's doing the weather. He's an old man who takes an extremely short acting rejuvenation pill. (typical disbelieving reaction from Ryan) So, whenever you hear the music, Colin, take it away.

Colin: Welcome to the six o'clock news. I'm your anchor, Tito Through The Tulips. (loud laughter from Drew) Our top story tonight: a man is still in critical condition after swallowing two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in large bills. No change is expected. (laughter and cheering from audience) And now let's see what's happening elsewhere in the world. (turns to Greg)

Greg: (with German accent, smoking a cigarette) I bet you'd like to know vat's happening elsevere in the vorld. But I'm afraid you can't because you don't have enough _hair_ (funny emphasis) to think vith. (cackles) Maybe that's making a point... like the vun you have on your head. (laughter from audience and Drew) And it reminds me of the time that I invaded Poland.

Colin: (very dry) Like I'm gonna help you.

Greg: You can't help. You're helpless. Look at you. (more cackling) I vill dominate you!

Colin: You've yet to win a war. All right! (interrupted by loud cheering from the audience)

Greg: And yet you drive a BMW. (cackles) Ve von! La-la-la-la... (continues singing under Colin)

Colin: (shakes head) Well, now it's time to go over to sports with little Suzy. Sue!

Wayne: (in high pitched voice) Hi. (does Girl Scout salute) Thanks a lot. In today's sports, everyone's buying my cookies cuz it makes you a better football player. I've got peanut butter, and I've got chocolate, (switches to low, growling Devil voice) and I have... (makes strange growling noise- audience cheers) For far too long you have resisted the pleasures of the peanut butter peppermint cookie! But now that shall end! My reign shall encompass all of the world, and everyone shall enjoy the cookie! And he who does not enjoy the cookie shall have the infernal cookie forced down his throat, and I shall earn my merit badge for DAMNATION! AAAAAH! (moves upstage, spins around with arms out) RAAAAAH! (mimes projectile vomiting- Drew mimes getting hit in the face with it- then Wayne moves back downstage and returns to Girl Scout voice) Back to you. (Devil growl)

Greg: Have I mentioned you're ugly?

Colin: (dry) Yes, you have.

Greg: (cackling) Stick around, I'm here all night. (takes drag- Drew's loud laughter can be heard in the background)

Colin: Well, now it's time to see what-

Greg: (interrupting) Tuesday's vet t-shirt night.

Colin: Now it's time to go and see what's happening in the weekend-

Greg: (interrupting again) Von't that be delightful? (more laughter from Drew)

Colin: Uh, weekend weather, with our weatherman, Geri Atric. Geri! (Ryan is silent, hunched over imaginary walker) Geri! (Ryan perks up) Over to you.

Ryan: (old man voice) Oh, I didn't hear you. I'm sorry. Well, let's go have a look at the board. (very slowly turns around, moving his walker with him over audience laughter- Colin checks his watch) I don't need to go to the board. (Starts turning back to the front) I can feel it in my knees. Gonna rain tomorrow. And then it's gonna get sunny. I can feel that in my butt. (the next thing he says is hard to hear over audience laughter, but it sounds like "I know") Time for my pill. (takes pill) Ah! (over next line, Ryan's voice gets progressively deeper and he gradually stands up straight) And then next week, we're expecting some clouds to roll in. Well, then it's gonna be quite clear. The weather will be... Listen to my voice. I'm young again! (mimes taking off his clothes- whistles and catcalls from the audience) Ah! Look at me! (shakes his pelvis) Look at me! Look at me! I'm young again! Ah, the world smells so good! It- d'oh, oh, oh no! (crumples up- looks down at crotch) NOOO! Don't go away! Come back to me! No! No! No! (Ryan is now on the floor on his side- back to old man voice) I've fallen and I can't get up!

Colin: Well, that's all the news we have. Join us again tomorrow, same time, same place. Thank you.

(WN end music- audience cheers as they return to their seats)

Drew: (to Wayne) Ah, you know, this is gonna sound funny, but you're not the first Girl Scout I've seen possessed by the Devil. (audience laughter)

Ryan: Those weren't real Girl Scouts. Those were girls you paid to _pretend_ they were Girl Scouts. (audience laughs- Drew makes smart ass gesture- Ryan has a smart ass look of his own as he drinks his water)

Drew: (in suggestive tone) Tell your wife I said hello. (more laughter and "ooh"'s from the audience) Ah, let's just stop this. I love you man.

Colin: (cheery) Hey, come on, make fun of the bald guy! (Ryan starts laughing and Colin waves gleefully) I'll be your lightning rod of hate! (Drew dissolves into laughter. Colin waves again, a mega-watt grin on his face. Greg and Wayne are also smiling and laughing.)

Ryan: (laughing, disbelieving) Lightning rod of...

Drew: All right, you asked for it. This next game is for C- Ryan and Baldy. It's called- (laughs) It's called Whose Line. Colin and Ryan, come on up here. (Colin and Ryan do so. Drew is still trying to control his laughter without much success) Come get your lines.

Ryan: Lightning rod of hate...

Drew: What happens is, before the show, we ask the audience to write down different suggestions for things, and, uh, these guys put the- they've never seen them before- they put them in their pocket and sometime during the scene, they have to pull the line out and use it in the scene. The scene is, Dr. Frankenstein, played by... (Ryan mouths it with him) Ryan (audience laughter) and his devoted assistant, Igor, played by Colin... (Colin cheerfully salutes, drawing more laughter from the audience) also known as the "lightning rod of hate" (Colin looks down and smiles)... are trying to bring the monster to life before the mob arrives. Take it away.

Ryan: Ah! (Colin jumps into the scene, hunched over, his arm swinging freely) Did you get the jumper cables? (Colin makes a squeaky noise as he mimes opening the hump on his back, pulling out the jumper cables, and handing them to Ryan) Ah! (Colin closes his hump and leaves his arm swinging) Good! Hook two up to the bolts on his neck and I'll hook it up to this car battery.

Colin: Yes, Phil! (hooks up the cables)

Ryan: In this good weather...

Colin: Do you think this will work, master?

Ryan: Of course it'll work, Igor. (Colin, meanwhile, has started this dance on the stage, bouncing back and forth and swinging his arm) You're a little peppy today! (You can tell Ryan is trying very hard to contain himself here.)

Colin: The plumbing's down again.

Ryan: Ah! (Colin continues to bounce around the stage) Igor! (puts his hand on Colin's shoulder)

Ryan: Whether it works or whether it doesn't... (Colin continues to wiggle- did he take a hyper pill before this taping or what? Ryan stops him by placing a hand on his chest.) Stop moving, Igor! I've got a hunch... I'm sorry...

Colin: (insulted) Whoa! (Colin throws up his arms and walks away, shaking his head. He then makes a "talk to the hand" gesture.)

Ryan: Please- you know how I feel about you. When people ask about you, I say, "Igor, of course... (reads line) 'Why are you looking at fat boy?'" Usually, it's fat people who ask me.

Ryan: Yes. I love you, Igor... not in that way.

Colin: I know, well, I wasn't hoping. So, sir, what happens when you... (does strange, squeaky thing with his voice) bring him to life?

Ryan: (is initially stopped cold by Colin's odd vocal choice- he smiles silently for a moment, but then recovers) Well, I'll tell you. We hook them up and then we send the monster out to cause chaos in the village.

Colin: Oh, I don't know if that's a good idea...

Ryan: That's my plan!

Colin: Well, I heard the villagers talking the other day.

Colin: You know what they said?

Colin: (reads line) "What's with the sheep outfit?" They saw me, they noticed me right off! I was the only one walking like this. (starts bouncing around the stage again, kicking up his leg and swinging his arm) Baa! Baa!

Ryan: What the-? You've got to get down on all fours, Igor! I've taught you-

Colin: Down on all fours?! I get down, I can never get up again! Look! (more dancing- someone needs to reduce Colin's caffeine intake)

Ryan: Never mind that! They won't have to worry about that before long, when he's running rampant through their houses, taking everything they own! People will think of Frankenstein and they will say, (reads line) "I can't believe it's not butter!" (audience cheers- Colin looks perplexed) I don't know why, but that's what they'll say!

(Drew buzzes them out. Interestingly, Colin didn't get to use his second line. I suppose because the scene was running too long.)

Drew: (once they get back to their seats) I didn't know Igor was such a soft shoe expert.

Colin: It's a character choice, character choice...

Drew: The old, Canadian, disco dancing of Colin Mochrie... (thumbs up) Way to go, Baldy!

Colin: (throwing his arms up in the air in a gesture that becomes the episode's recurring joke) Lightning rod! Chrsssss! (laughter and cheering)

Drew: All right, we'll be back with more Whose Line right after this! Don't go away!

Drew: Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Hey, I just want to send a special note out to, uh, Anna Nicole Smith. If you're watching, I liked you before. But now that you're rich, I love you. (pause for audience laughter) And the best part about it, Anna Nicole, is, I'm older than you are too. Now let's get going with a game called Action Replay! This is for Greg and Wayne and Ryan and Colin. Oh, man. What's gonna happen in this game is, Greg and Wayne are gonna act out a scene for us. In the meantime, Ryan and Colin will put on these headsets-

Colin: Ow! (pulls headset away from his ears for a moment- too loud, Colin?)

Drew: -loud music in it that's gonna block out all the sounds for them. And they have to watch these guys do their scene. And after they get their scene done, these guys have to do the same scene for ya using the same actions, but of course, they can't, they don't know the dialogue, so they have to make up their own interpretation of the scene. So, they have the headsets on, they're grooving to the music... (Ryan and Colin are in fact grooving, which causes some giggling in the audience)

Greg: You guys want a drink or something? You all right there?

Drew: (singing) If you like pina coladas... (audience laughter) So the scene is, Greg and Wayne, you're on a safari. A tourist and his guide set up camp for the night when they are confronted by a hungry lion.

Wayne: Hello, guide.

Greg: Yes- (interrupted by Drew's laughter) Let me show you through the jungle, it can be very dangerous. You must crouch as you walk through this portion. (Greg crouches. Wayne makes animal noises and starts swiping away the brush above Greg's head. Wayne then mimes getting hit in the neck with something and falls over.)

Wayne: I've been stuck with...buh... (Wayne stands up, wobbling on his feet)

Greg: So you have. That's all right, it's not lethal, it was just a hummingbird flying too low. Here, I'll throw that away. Come with me through here. (Greg and Wayne get down on their hands and knees and start crawling around the stage.) You've got to crawl through this part. This is the most exciting part of the jungle because this is where the elephants bathe. (Greg acts like he just put his hand in something unmentionable) Oh, they don't just bathe.

Wayne: But I don't- Oh! A trap! I've been caught in a trap! (Wayne flops over onto his back and throws his legs up into the air) Cut me down! Cut me down!

Greg: (pulling Wayne's legs up until Wayne is almost doing a headstand) Here, I'll pull you up. (It's hard to separate what they are saying while they are both carrying on, but eventually Wayne gets out of his predicament and stands up) Are you all right?

Wayne: Yes. (makes war cry noise) A lalalala! (points off stage) Argh! (starts to run in place and Greg copies him)

Greg: Don't run, they're friendly. Stop and wave to them! (they stop and wave)

Wayne: Hi. Argh! (they run in place again until they are buzzed out by Drew)

Drew: (as Ryan and Colin take off their headsets and take center stage) Okay, now, let's see your interpretation of that scene. Take it away.

Ryan: All right, we're gonna take it from the top, all right?

Ryan: Four, three, two, and... (crouches down) one and two...

Colin: (pulling on imaginary cane between his hands) My cane, my cane won't... straighten out.

Ryan: You call yourself a performer?

Colin: Yes, I do. (crosses the stage) I'm a damn good dancer. I dance for- oh, my neck! (Colin clutches his neck and dramatically falls over. Ryan helps him back up.)

Ryan: Stand up, stand up!

Colin: It's an old choreography-

Ryan: You've been shot by a dart from your understudy up there!

Colin: Oh! That's horrible!

Ryan: Nobody will do this to us! Cats shall go on as a musical! (gets down on all fours- Colin copies)

Colin: Yes! Meow, meow, meow. (licks his paw- then Ryan and Colin stand up) Ah, I feel better already.

Ryan: Those aren't- You've got your wrong dancing shoes on!

Colin: I better put my other ones on. (Colin gets down and attempts to copy Wayne's near headstand movement- this requires quite a bit more effort for Colin than it does for Wayne, needless to say.)

Ryan: (grabbing Colin's feet) These are all wrong! These are my shoes!

Colin: (straining to hold the position) What?

Ryan: These are my shoes!

Colin: Those are not your shoes!

Ryan: Those are my shoes you're wearing!

Colin: (clearly has trouble getting out of the near headstand position- grunts in discomfort- clutches his back momentarily, his voice pained) Oh, really?

Colin: I'm sorry. Oh, no! (points off stage)

Colin: Critics! (Ryan and Colin run in place until Drew buzzes them out. As they head back upstage to their seats, Colin nurses his sore back and Ryan says something to him that I can't make out. Greg and Wayne rush to meet them upstage, and Wayne puts his arm around Colin. Someone- I can't tell who exactly- asks Colin if he's okay. I can't hear Colin's response.)

Drew: (to Colin- sincere concern) Are you okay?

Colin: (dry) I'm fine, Drew, thank you. I've just lost my battery pack somewhere in the area of my buttocks. (everyone laughs) That's okay, my pack is halfway up my ass. (more laughter- Colin winks)

The others: (singing, while Colin conducts) My pack is halfway up my ass...

Drew: Oh my God. Are you sure you're okay?

Colin: I'm getting the feeling back in my legs.

Drew: The look on your face, you were like argh! (makes pained face) Oh, man. A thousand chiropractor points to you. Oh, man, that was really funny. I don't know why I laugh when you get hurt so much... (Drew starts to lose it completely once Colin has assured him that he'll live)

Colin: (with the lightning rod gesture from before) Chrsssss! (Drew continues to laugh uncontrollably) Heh, the bald guy! Ha ha ha! (Colin slaps his knee and the audience roars with laughter)

Drew: (through his laughter) I know... It's just so funny... It's just so funny when you... fell down, you were like argh! Hee, hee, hee...

Ryan: (to Colin) You wanna throw one of my blue shoes at him?

Drew: (his laughter finally beginning to die down) Oh... I'm sorry... A thousand points for you... (Colin starts to laugh, leaning forward slightly in his seat, his hand covering his eyes) Let's go on to a game called... (Drew is finally in control) Scenes From A Hat. Now, it's one of our favorite games here at Whose Line Is It Anyway, and how it happens is, before the show, we ask the audience to write down different suggestions for things and, uh, we take the good ones, put them in a hat, and see how many our performers can act out for you, starting with... (reads first slip) "Versions of hell other than eternal flames."

Ryan: All right, that's a thousand points. It's time for Hoedown.

Colin: Now let's hear that Yentel soundtrack one more time! (Colin stands there for a moment after he is buzzed just working his mouth silently. Then he makes the lightning rod gesture again) Chrsssss!

Greg: (driving motions, dreamy voice) Mississippi, I'm still in Mississippi... (then, after he walks off stage, as if he just realized something too late) Oh!

Wayne: (anxious look) Mississippi, _I'm_ still in Mississippi...

Drew: (reading) "Famous film scenes as performed by cartoon characters."

Greg: (as Goofy- pulls Wayne out with him) Frankly, my dear (Goofy noise- I couldn't even begin to spell it), I don't give a damn (Goofy noise).

Ryan: (Popeye) Eh, I'll be back, scet-cet-cet-cet-cet. (Ok, give me a break, it's hard to spell those noises)

Colin: (Elmer Fudd) Feewing wucky, punk?

Ryan: (Scooby Doo) Rrr, RI'm Spartacus.

Colin: (Snagglepuss) Rosebud, even! (Makes "exit, stage left" gesture- Drew loses it again. Drew found practically everything Colin did in this episode hysterically funny... not that I blame him or anything. Everybody cracked up after Colin's Snagglepuss- Wayne had to take a moment to collect himself before he could continue.)

Wayne: (Yogi Bear) Hey, punk. Are you feeling lucky? You wanna see what's in my pic-in-ic basket? (pulls out gun)

Drew: Eh, that's all right. (reads) "If morning show hosts acted like most people do in the morning."

Greg: (over a yawn) We have got a tremendous show for you today. (scratches himself, then turns around and acts like he's at the toilet) Don't we, Bob?

Wayne: Yeah. Ooh, damn! (waves away Gregs bad breath- Greg starts to floss)

Ryan: (to Colin) Here's some cab fare home, I gotta do a show.

Drew: All right. (reads) "What members of the Whose Line cast say to their therapists."

Greg: (with glasses off) No one knows. It's actually a bald pate. It's just make-up, and yet they make fun of me night after night after night. (does Colin's dino-walk off stage- and then we get a great reaction take of Colin wearing his usual resigned, injured look- but that's okay, because Colin goes out next to exact his revenge)

Colin: (dry) Eh, it doesn't really bother me. It's... all about penis envy. (audience cheers)

Drew: Yes, we all wish ours were shorter. (Colin blithely reaches down by his knee and "adjusts" himself, drawing more cheers from the audience. Drew then reads the next selection.) "Announcements that tend to ruin parties."

Greg: Everybody, it's time to coat Colin in Crisco! (a few in the audience sound like they wouldn't exactly object to the idea)

Ryan: (hushed) Drew's here! Drew's here! Drew's here! (extended buzz)

Drew: We'll be back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway- we'll find out who the winner is right after this!

Drew: Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway. Tonight's winner, Greg Proops! (shot of Greg at Drew's desk) And the rest of us are gonna do a Hoedown with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. How 'bout it, our favorite game in the whole wide world- Hoedown! (yeah right, Drew) What I need from the center section of the audience here is a suggestion of a glamorous profession. (several things are shouted, including "model", "chiropractor", and "hockey player") Hockey player... let's do the hockey or hockey player Hoedown with the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Wayne: Well, I love hockey, the game can't be beat,

Where else can you do a job where you're missing teeth,

I get plenty of dates, see I'm never lonely,

I take off my hockey costume and ride naked on a Zamboni.

(I think Wayne stole Colin's rhyme here. Colin freaks out, runs upstage, then back downstage. Wayne laughs triumphantly.)

Drew: Well, I met a girl last night at the hockey game,

One look at her, I knew things would never be the same,

We went back to my place and I was in luck,

She wanted to go to bed with me and I said, "Hey, what the puck?"

Colin: (silently mouths three-fourths of his verse, then adjusts something on his backside)...my battery pack!

Ryan: I'm a hockey goalie, and boy do I feel dumb,

I forgot my shorts, and there is my bum,

All of the laughing, oh when will it cease,

I guess I look funny with a puck stuck in my crease.

All: A puck stuck in my crease!

Drew: We'll be right back with more Whose Line right after this. Don't go away!

Drew: Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway. We're going to end the show tonight with Wayne Brady reading the credits for ya. Wayne, I want you to read the credits as a Girl Scout selling cookies who's possessed by the Devil. Thanks for watching everybody. See you next time. Good night.

(As Wayne reads the credits, the others come down and pantomime what looks like an exorcism.)